March 7, 2010
Friday was a little trying for me. I had to see my husband. I haven’t seen him up close since October 15th, and have only seen him from afar a few times when I have spotted him at the lake.
I think that he must be going through middle-age crazy. He had on a “buff” shirt and he is letting his hair grow out. This is someone who has ALWAYS worn a t-shirt or a button down (if he was going somewhere nice). To see him like this was weird. He’s never had one of those shirts before. That’s how I know that he is trying to “re-invent” himself. There is nothing wrong with this, but I found it amusing that he is doing it now.
I love him. I always will, but I know that the love is not reciprocated. In fact, it hasn’t been for a long time. If I look back, I would say it has probably been about 5 years or so. Definitely over the last 3 years.
I don’t know why I was with him. Perhaps to show him what true love is? I don’t know. One of my life experiences from our time together is how futile life is without Christ. How it is sad and depressing without Him (Christ). How, no matter how much you party, drink and have sex – all of it leaves you EMPTY. It has a deep pit of despair in the middle of it all. That sucks you in. It traps you and keeps you under control of those things and you cannot move forward. You are like a pig that, once it gets cleaned off, goes back into the mud, muck and mire again and again to wallow in it.
I know what Job said, “To bring back his soul from the pit, to be enlightened with the light of the living.” (Job 33:30 KJV). I know this…when you are brought out of it — the pit — everything has a great light to it. Things that used to weigh you down, you run from…and I mean in the opposite direction. I have been to a bar & grill and a country & western place since he has left and the same stuff is still going on there as before. I want to be in a place that is moving and not stagnant. I have to stay away from these pits so that I won’t be like Proverbs 26:10, “As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly.”
January 18, 2008
And I tell you this, that you must give an account on judgment day of every idle word you speak. The words you say now reflect your fate then; either you will be justified by them or you will be condemned.